pain reliever.

I am in a complete dilemma...
I can't see the good Alvin who can decide whether to love or to love unconditionally...
I can't see him anymore..
where was he when i needed him...
where was I??
i have been spending two years of not having a good relationship...
I always fucked up every inch until I cant even get out of drowning him...
I want to save him from damnation...
God why am I having this situation...
I need love... but am I not loving myself anymore....
I forgot where did I left his shoes that he used to wear ...
I need to find him... I need to find myself...
where is Alvin?
he is drowning in pain the pain that he created out of hatred... revenge...

He used to find good-looking persons to compensate what he has...
but is that the answer...
I talked to him in the dark...
he said he's finding that person to stop his cravings from flirting other person when he is in a relationship...
well i asked him... did you ever find that guy?
he answered he thinks so...
where was that person?
he said... having another guy...


I know I am in pain...
but i like that person...
wish me luck...
Lord I am swearing...
grant my wish... and am swearing to love and love unconditionally...
no more side dishes...
no more online shits...
just me and that dream...

ayoko na...
I want Alvin back...
I want my self back...
No pretending... no more pending... no more exes on my head...
I want to see myself deeply in love again... that's a dream... that I want to fulfill...

and for you... my secret person...
I like you... I want to know you more...
I am pushing but not competing with your guy...
I want to be my self when I'm with you...
let me do it without anything in return just your kisses that are holding me in...
don't give me hopes...
just give me time to know you...

and for tomorrow... a new Alvin will arise...
I will start to fix my self...
pieces by pieces... step by step...
from Sahara I'll plant trees...
from Petronas I'll start building a small house...
from songs that I used to listen...I don't feel anything anymore...
I'll be listening instead to Unwritten by natasha bedingfield to start a new me...
rejoicing life... rejoicing Positivity...

P.S.
I'll be close to you God...
ipapakilala ko sya sayo... like the old times...
I want you to be a witness in our relationship... til that person says yes....